Policia_De_Mode

policia_de_mode @ 2007-09-11T22:56:00

2007-09-12T02:56:33Z

"I think our god isn't God
if He fits inside our head"

policia_de_mode @ 2007-08-21T02:23:00

2007-08-21T06:26:41Z

And brother, have you felt the great peace that we all seek?

You say, "Take a look around. If there's a God, then he must be asleep."
God must be asleep.

policia_de_mode @ 2007-08-13T23:39:00

2007-08-14T03:39:57Z

Bradley, Brian, Me, and Lindsey in Erie, PA.
I've gained 15-20 pounds since I've moved from Florida.
My body image is shot. =[

My aunts scanner sucks bawlz.

policia_de_mode @ 2007-07-21T23:28:00

2007-07-22T03:59:36Z

"The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I wish my words could convey how happy I've become. Normalcy has returned to me, my old spirit is back. I'm excited for life once again! My trip to visit Brian became so much more than I could have ever imagined. I met many great people, people with such a connection with God. It brought me back to feeling an excitement for life, people, and most of all love. I was met with so much love, and with that my heart felt convicted. I realized how much I let myself change, and that is no ones fault but my own. I have so many people in my life with so much good to offer but I do nothing to learn from them. I just let myself sink into terrible habits and learned nothing. That is a horrible shame. I plan to do everything in my power with the help of God to turn that around.

I prayed, I prayed so so much. I called friends and prayed with them. I've needed so much support but I've never sought it out. I even have scripture that supports that idea etched onto my body, yet I ignored. Iron sharpens Iron, I must never forget.

I've been met with anger coming back home, but that was expected. I have no desire to shut anyone out of my life. But, I cannot apologize for going back to my roots and following what I truly believe. I cannot waste time chasing friendships. If you really care about someone you stick by them. Either way, I have no hard feelings.

To you who has written me off, just remember this : you would never deny or apologize for your drug use. So, to expect someone to deny or apologize for their "social drug" is quite hypocritical. Following Jesus makes me feel good, just as drinking/drugs makes you feel good. We all should have respect for one anothers choices. It's not a one way street.

So many inner struggles and changes will be brewing within me. I will take this journey one step at a time with Gods strength.
God Bless.

A Confession, to Friends, to Family, to Myself

2007-01-04T18:21:16Z

   So, I'm sitting, wondering who will care read the words I'm about to write, Who will care enough to respond to the thoughts on my mind, and who won't care at all... I haven't written a word about my life since my move, because I'm afraid... I'll disapoint some people. Some people will be hurt.. But that's not what I'm afraid of most. What really scares me is that no one will care at all, that this entry will go unnoticed. Read and dismissed. -That- is what i fear most out of this... But, I've finally hit rock bottom. I've finally reached the point of realization and appreciation for everything in my life that was once familar.

Now, I need to let it all out. A confession of sorts, to God, to my Friends, and most of all, to myself.

   Before I left for Connecticut, I got in touch with someone in the area I would be living. His name was Rob. He and I became good friends via the internet, and once I moved, he and I met the first night I was in town. That's when my life took off at 1000 miles per hour.

The first three nights of my life consisted, basicly, of one thing... Alcohol.

Night one - Alcohol and a Diner. Low key, nothing crazy. Drinking and getting to know new people.
Night two - Alcohol and a party at UCONN. Keg, Jager, Rum. Got a little crazy. Drinking, dancing, and more new people.

Then came night three...

Night three - Alcohol and a bigger party at UCONN. Keg, Jager, Rum, Bags of wine... you name it, it was there. Drinking, Dancing, MORE NEW PEOPLE, emotional breakdowns, fights between friends, then leaving in a hurry... Drunk Driving. I was in the back seat with a boy collapsed in my lap, wasted, sobbing, and screaming. I had only met him the night before, his name was Nate. He was screaming to be dropped off at a kid named Matts house... We took him there to help try and calm him down. But, once we were there he was anything but. We get out of the car and he flips out in the street in the middle of the night. Everything was dead silent but his screams. Rob tried to contain Nate and calm him down but nothing helped... It must of went on for 30 minutes, the fighting, screaming, and sobs... Needless to say, the Cops were called... Three Cops show up and I was scared shitless, because I'd never been in a position with police where I could get in actual trouble. The moment they arrived, everyone instantly calmed down and sobered up. So this was the situation... Four people, all of which are drunk, including the driver. Keys still in the ignition. 30 pack of PBR in the trunk. But somehow, after talking to the police for a bit.. We got out of it scot-free. At the time, I was ecstatic... But now I just feel as guilty as ever for our stupidity.

You'd think after my run in with the cops I'd learn my lesson... But after a couple days of staying at my apartment, the loneliness and thoughts of home drove me out to party and drink once again, and again and again and again...

   The past month I've been out drinking 4-5 nights a week. I'm at the point of relying on alcohol just to be able to socialize. That isn't me, it never has been me... Until now. I've fallen into a vicious cycle. The stress of the unfamiliar has sucked me into a horrible lifestyle because I'm too much of a coward to face it. To make things worse, I've pushed everyone I know from back home away. I thought it would make things easier, out of sight out of mind.. I was sorely mistaken. Now, I'm lonely too the point where I crave attention from my new friends at unhealthy degrees. I smothered my new good friend Rob. Then at any moment I would feel ignored I'd get emotional and would lower myself to guilt tripping him for attention. People can only take so much of that before they walk away... So, I'm pushing away friends, old and new alike. My behavior has been absolutely absurd.

   Admitting to all of this is mortifying, but it really needs to be done. If I don't face these demons soon, I'll just slowly destroy myself from the inside out. I'm asking for assurance. That people I love and trust still care. Because it's the fear of losing everything and everyone I once loved thats driving me into this depression. I'm sorry it took this long, and this much, for me to truly appreciate what I had.

Love,
Kathleen O'Connor

-LOCKED-

2006-06-10T04:04:35Z